GoldwwiiizardThe 1 AND ONLY HPAustin Powers FF
by chocolatefrog76
Summary: It includes a lot of irrelevent funny stuff... Austin teaches Marine Bio. at Hogwarts... very funny, I might add, great characters


Ok, this will be a very, VERY, hiliariously weird fic, but just for hysteria's sake. Crytisisms and strange replies are welcome, actually. Note: This is very irrelevant to anything that would happen in Harry Potter! Just read and see! Just so you know, it won't be exactally in Harry's perspective, more of Neville's, really. Though Harry plays a big role. It was 10:34 PM and 29 seconds, to be exact. Neville Longbottom ran into the Gryffindor Commons, panting, sweating, doing whatever you'd do if you had just run through half of Hogwarts in your pajamas. Not that Neville's blue and white striped PJs have anything really to do with our story. Now he spoke. Or rather, gurgled exhaustedly.  
  
"Auh-sten- Powers...! Come-ing two-hog-warts!!!" he said. Everyone looked befuddled.  
  
"Er-what?" Harry said, raising an eyebrow. He tried hard not to look at the big chocolate stain on Neville's front, though that is irrelevant to the story, too.  
  
Neville spoke again.  
  
"I heard Dumbledore talking with Fudge. Dumbledore thinks we need some livening up around here. So- he's comming."Neville's eyes followed Harry's gaze to the chocolate splotch on his jammie's.  
  
"Now is not the time to wonder why it's there!" Neville instructed Harry. Actually, he didn't say it out loud. But who cares?  
  
Ron had heard of this Austin fellow from some of the students that had lived with Muggles. He sounded hilarious. Fred and George were equally excited, though they didn't even know it, as they were both emptying their bladders in the bathroom. But soon enough they knew. So anyways, Hermione asked her question.  
  
"Neville... when's he comming? Austin Powers, I mean." Neville didn't need to answer. At that moment blasting, disco-ish music pounded throughout the school. And then Neville heard his first sound-byte of that groovy voice since he had first seen the 3rd movie during summer holiday.  
  
"GROOVY, SWINGING BABY YEAH!!! I GOT THE MOJO! HEY McGONAGALL CAT SHALL WE SHAG NOW OR SHAG LATER?"  
  
The voice was to loud to not be avoided and picked up by everylast ear in Hogwarts. Including the chipmunks, not that you care. Nobody cares about the chipmunks. Neville swallowed hard. This was going to be hard to tell.  
  
"And the worst part is..." everyone in the room hung on his every word. "He'll be teaching a class." This was too much for everyone. Between letting what had just happened sink in, listening to Austin turning on the charm with a Hogwarts Professor, and staring at the chocolate smear on Neville's PJs, they had enough time to explode into an uproar of screams and hideous laughing outburts. The look on Harry's face made him seem as though he were wearing very larg googley eyes on top of his own. (ex. O_O) Harry was very interested on WHAT exactally Mr. Powers would be teaching. Neville thought the same thoughts. I think, or so I thought. Anyways, NOBODY, I repeat, NOBODY was interesting in taking lessons on how to use mojo. Especially from Austin Powers. Everyone that was, except for young Melanie Potante in her first year and the chipmunks. Melanie, a small frizzy haired girl with soda bottle glasses, was too busy organizeing her carrot collection. The chipmunks, on the other hand, were sulking in their nests about how nobody pays attention to them. But Melanie is of no use to us at the moment, let's go back to the more important issues of the story and see what Dean is going to say as he opens his mouth. You and I both hope a fly is not going to fly in. Preferrably not a horsefly.So, as he opens his mouth, it proves fly-free.  
  
"Neville, so... what class is he going to teach?" he said nervously. All the Gryffindors nodded their heads vigoursly, encouraging an answer. Neville opened his mouth. Unfortunatley, he swallowed a fly. Oh well, extra protein, eh? But he DID answer the burning question.  
  
"A new subject... if I heard them correctly, it was Marine Biology." Most of the little wizards and witches were had not learned about Marine Biology. Mostly because Muggles dont learn it when they're younger than 11 and after that they're at Hogwarts. Melanie was Muggleborn, though. She looked up from her carrot project and snorted loudly. Everyone turned and stared, accept for Ron who was glued to the sight of Neville choking, hacking, and spitting out the wings of the (former)buzzing fly. She pulled out a cloth stained with carrot juice from her pocket of her pink frilly nightgown and wiped her overlarge glasses.  
  
"I believe," she said in a congested, nerdy voice,"Neville is referreing to the study of plant and animal life in water. Such as shrimp, whales,..." she snorted with delight before finishing the sentence. "And my favorite... ALGAE!!!"  
  
That deeply strange sentence pulled Ron away from the fly scene.  
  
"Honestly!" he whispered to Katie Bell and Lee Jordan. "Who obsesses over ALGAE?!"  
  
Well, Melanie did. Algae and carrots. A quite strange combination, I might add.  
  
"Really, you know, I wouldnt mind learning about marine animals, but just NOT from the International Man of Mystery, yano?" said Neville when he swallowed the now wingless raisin-like fly. All the Gryffies aggreed. Fred and George were quickly informed of the scenario.  
  
"Shame we missed the fly incident!" Fred cried.  
  
"Would've been great!" George added. They turned towards one another and laughed. And laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed, until the mouse ran up the cuckoo clock in some house on a street in Dublin, Ireland. Not that the laughing caused the mouse to run, though.  
  
Everyone headed up to bed, wheezing and giggling with aching sides from laughing so hard as they collapsed into bed, mad with laughter. And in Dublin, the cute little mouse was no more as the the sleek orange cat jumped from behind the coffee maker and gulped our little mousey in one bite. Not that you care. About the mouse or the chipmunks. Nobody cares about rodents.  
  
  
  
I am sad to say that the mouse in Dublin did not survive. Leppie, (short for Leprechaun), the cat, did get indegestion though. Not that you care. Nobody cares about rodents or felines. Well maybe felines. So anyways... There was no need for the Heads of the Houses to wake up each and everystudent in the house that morning, the day Leppie got sick. Not that you care. The music blaring and swinging was enough to hear 2 miles away. It was a known fact that Austin Powers felt he needed strong background music to emphasise his figure. Today was the first class in Marine Biology... with HIM! Neville hopped out of bed and exchanged his chocolate stained pajamas for a normal, clean cloak and robes. He rushed to breakfast with Dean and Harry. Ron and Seamus staggered along behind. As they left the common room, Neville got a huge wife of dust at some passing house elves were beating a very old looking tapestry. As Neville had allergies, he coughed very very hard. And out popped the fly, or should I say raisin. Disgusting. Breakfast was parusual, except for fragments of conversation drifting from the teachers table. Neville heard Austin purring,  
  
"Oh, Sprout! Behave! Groovy, bebe yeah! Rarrrr! Do you find me sexy? Puuuuuuuurrrrrrrr!!!" she seemed absoutley mesmerised. This was even grosser that the raisin/fly. When every last student had gobbled down they're bacon and eggs, and away in Ireland the cat buried the digested mouse in his sandbox, Dumbledore rose for his announcements.  
  
"As... some of you... no-all of you have noticed, we have a new and lively addition to our teaching staff. Sir Austin Powers. Yes, He is indeed a Sir, being knighted by the Queen herself in hid great deed of capturing the evil- er-Dr.Evil." The hall broke into applause. With the excepption of Melanie, who was consumed with the task of quickly smuggling the steamed carrots into a plastic ziploc and tucking it away into her book bag. Ron stared. Harry stared. Austin Powers stared, right into her green eyes and said,  
  
"Oooh what's cooking baby yeah!?" Melanie was genieunly freaked. But she responded quickly.  
  
"Er- Professor Powers? I am pleased to inform you that right after this very meal I will attend class under your fantastic supervision and teaching! I am very eager to learn about my favorite plant-algae!"  
  
"Nerd Alert! Nerd Alert!"  
  
Some were eager to being class. Others were not. What you would've done is ENTIRLEY irrelevant to what I'm going to say next. Eggs are purple. See? Anyways, though Hermione, Neville, Ron, Harry, and Lavender, as they headed up the hallway together, didnt exactally want to participate in the class, they were eager to begin. It would be hiliariously funny, kind of like how I just spoke about purple eggs. The classroom for Marine Biology was a former, and quite large, triangular room. The walls were white, but flowers and spirals, not to mention a few male symbols in neon colors littered the walls. Some were dripping and smelling of wet paint. Obviously Austin's work. In the front corner of the shape, sat a fluffy pink chair next to a brightly painted wooden desk. Beside the desk was a huge complex of about 5 tanks of water, each holding different marine animals. Instead of the usual antique wooden desks, chairs, benches etc, the class lounged on very retro couches and sofas. They were to use the stained glass coffee tables as a workspace. One by one they filed in. Last was Austin Powers. Suprisingly, he was wearing robes! Alas... they were tie-dye. Just because I'd like to say it, I once made a tie-dye Easter Egg. I've also made purple ones! Austin span around and licked his fingers, and then ran them through his redish brown hair.  
  
He cleared his throught and began to speak. Neville winced.  
  
"we're going to learn about those shagadelic whales, baby!"  
  
Beside him, Ron groaned. Austin Powers skipped groovily to the biggest tank. Inside swam a tiny Orca Whale.He laughed his retarded laugh.A wet spot appeared in a certain bulge in his pants. He squealed.  
  
"oooh... looks like I drank a wee bit too much of champange last night... rarr! BRB, GOTTA PEE!!!" he yelled, and ran off. This was going to be interesting.  
  
Just for hysteria's sake, I'd like to inform you that artichokes are good and healthy. Oh God. This was more than Neville could tolerate! Just then Austin stormed through the door, ready to continue the class. Everyone stared. Except for Melanie. But not because she was sorting her carrots. Because, Actually, she was in the restroom. Not that you care, not that you care about the poor chipmunk buried under the floorboards. Nobody cares about rodents. SO anyways, Austin Powers had just returned from his bathroom break.  
  
"Just gotta empty my two eggs and a beater!" He said. Felica, a tall, pretty Hufflepuff fifth year (it was a Gryffindor/Hufflepuff class)with cute rectangular glasses (not that you care) stood up with dignity.  
  
"Excuse me, Mr. Powers. I'm a Beater on my team, and I don't find it cool that you use my Quidditch Position as a refference to your sexual organs."  
  
The class laughed an applauded.Melanie had returned. Shame she had missed that joke. Melanie was starving! She dove into her bag and pulled out a long orange carrot and sunk her teeth into it. Austin, a pure pervert, recognized the shape of the carrot to something... er- well attatched to him. He didnt say it out loud, however.  
  
Next to Hermione, Danielle, a small, smart little Gryffindor fourth year really wanted to get on with the class. She was fascinated with the ocean and marine life, as well as being the usual teacher's pet.  
  
"oooh! This is amazing! You know... I'm so glad Dad married Mum... it's great to have a witch in the family! Cause here I am, at Hogwarts!I'm so proud to be learning here!" Melanie snickered. She and Danielle had a wee bit of rivalry... not to mention with Hermione, too. They were all know-it- alls, smart as can be. Too bad the mouse that ran up the cuckoo clock in Dublin wasnt as smart as them. Austin told the class to be quite. He turned to Felica.  
  
"Honestly, that was only for s*its and giggles! No harm ment, baby yeah!" Felica raised her eyebrows and backed away slowly. 'Creep!' she thought.  
  
Neville, too, was interested in Oceanography. He kept sneaking nervous glances at his sweatheart, Danielle. He admired her painstaking work and dedication to the classes. Not that you care. Nobody cares about rodents. Wait, he's not a rodent. Oh well.  
  
Austin now had a bit of control over the class.  
  
"Next, we're gonna study those sexy beasts... parrot fish!!! And no, they do not repeat what one says!"  
  
Danielle was upset. How dare he steal that comment from her favorite nature show, "Nigel Thornberry's Animal World!" She reached over and held Neville's hand, and gave it a tight squeeze.  
  
"Cheese is nice!" She squealed. Neville gave her a funny face. Neville loved Danielle, but... sometimes she was just too weird. Maybe he'd have better luck with Felica...  
  
And, as Austin droned on about the eating habits of the parrot fish, occasionaly fitting a "shagadelic" word in there here and there, Melanie snuck to the tank in the back where she collected samples of algea for a study. Her study, infact, was to try to breed algae and carrot, and create a water vegetable. A carrot that lived in water. How genius!  
  
That er- peculiar session of Marine Biology with Professor Powers was the craziest thing that Neville had ever experienced. Well, besides hearing about Melanie's attemptation to breed algae and carrots. That was a bit odd for his taste. The class finished, and they filed out to lunch. It was delicious... a tomatoe soup with garlic bread and a delightful lemon drink. Neville tried to ignore Austin's comments on what bodily fluid it resembled. It was yet again time for Dumbledore to rise and speak.  
  
"Good afternoon, students. The time has come.." The Walrus said? No, Silly, Dumbledore was saying this!!! "for me to tell you the latest of the news. Austin will not be part of any of the houses, actually. He will, however, fill in for me when I am of absesnce, and assist Filch in his night-time walks."  
  
Everyone at the Gryffindor table was crazed. No, everyone in the SCHOOL was crazed. Neville, though to shy to say this infront of the whole school, told everyone within earshot,  
  
"Think, guys. Austin. Powers. AUSTIN POWERS as our HEADMASTER!!!" Harry had similar thoughts. He stood up to face the school.  
  
"WHAT HAS THE WORLD COME TO???!!!" He shouted.  
  
Draco Malfoy had been by the Hufflepuff table flirting with Felica, and the two stood up together, hand in hand. More like, paw in paw. Wait, they're not rodents. Oh well.  
  
Said Draco,"SERIOUSLY!!! THIS IS A MUGGLE WE ARE TALKING ABOUT!!!" Though Felica truly liked Draco, (even though they were not 'together' yet), she was upset by this comment. A good Gryffindor friend of hers, Danielle, was a half-blood! Even so she presented her opion also without showing her hidden emotions.  
  
"Think, people, think. This is like-Mr.Perv. HELLO??? Who's seen that movie of his life, you know... with Tom Cruise as Austin?" Her eyes settled on a dreamy look when she mentioned Tom's name. She carried on."And people- HE'S GONNA BE OUR FRICKIN PART-TIME HEADMASTER???!!!" The children of Hogwarts appluaded. Except Melanie, but to make a long story short, she was studying a book on how to breed plants. Short, sweet, and to the point. Fortunatley for him, Austin was not in the room at the moment and did not hear himself being completley dissed.  
  
"That is quite enough!" Dumbledore said. "Now... I am cancelling the afternoon classes today. The 1rst,4th,5th, and the Hufflepuff and Slytherin Second years of each house are to meet in the middle of the meadow in the east garden of Hogwarts. The remainder of the 2nd years, and the 3,6, plus the 7th years will meet in the clearing at the center of the Rose Garden near the southernmost towers. Further instructions will be given by either Austin or myself, depending on the group. Got it? And for once in her life, Melanie got it. She had also got asthma, but that is of no importance to you or I.  
  
When the confusion was over, Neville, Harry, Danielle, and the rest of the Gryffindors in their year left the dormitories to meat with the rest of the fifth years, and the other years, too. Yes, meat. Ok well maybe not litterally, MEAT, but... WHATEVER, OK??? They rushed out to the meadow.  
  
"Since when did Hogwarts have a meadow?" Hermione and Danielle asked at the same time. They had no recallations (sp?) of that in Hogwarts, a History!  
  
Dumbledore, ("Whew!" Neville thought) gave them a wrinkly smile.  
  
"Ohh... since this morning. Just put it in for this... thought this place was a tad drab..."  
  
"Not since Powers got here..." Ron muttered under his breath. They met up with the rest of the school in the center of the grass. Felica rushed up to Danielle to talk about some weird girl thing... who knows. Who understands girls? Wait- I do. Since I am of that breed. Not that you care. Nobody cares about girls. Correction- EVERYBODY does. I mean to say nobody cares about rodents, but I am certainly NOT a rodent. Oh well! Everyone sat in a BIIIIIIIG circle with Dumbledore in the middle. Neville didnt dare to think what would become of the unlucky kids in the Rose Garden with Austin. DUmbledore started to talk.  
  
"Over the passed days you have noticed my attemps to brighten this 'ole place up abit, have you not?" He stood on a large stool for extra effect. Nobody seemed to notice, not that you care... he continued to speak.  
  
"So... first, I've hired Austin Powers. And I've made a meadow for no apparent reason at all... this is a little... er... game I've made up. Called Random Works of Art." The children blinked stupidly. He carried on. "Ok... not art like paintings, aret like songs and poetry. Just uh... random ones. We begin in the circle. The person to your right calls out 3 completley random things, ... You then make up a song, or sing a song, using at least one of those things. The purpose of this excersize is classified." Obviosuly it was just because Dumbledore is just a wee bit mad... but... We'd like to interupt this presentation for a special news bulliten!!! In the town of Dublin, Ireland, the Chipmunks are on strike. They refuse to give their teeth to the humans, Muggles and Wizards alike. Especially since the humans have started domesticating the feline breed. One furry squirrel- like things says,  
  
"It is perfectly understandable that rodents have gone on strike. Can you imagine gumming an acorn?"  
  
The next one said...  
  
"*Sob* Leppie ate my mother! WAAAAAAAAAAA!!!" That has been a Random News Network Presentation. Thank you for wasting your time. "Let's start with... RON!!! Now... MALFOY! You call out three random things..." Dumbledore called. Unluckly Ron and Malfoy were seated next to eachother. Malfoy grinned evily.  
  
"OK, Sir! Lessee..." He racked his brain. He couldnt do something mean or nasty infront of teachers... so he did normal things. "Shoe! Banana! Goldfish!" Ron looked stumped.  
  
"Allrighty then!" He opened his mouth further to sing. Dumbledore shot right out of his seat.  
  
"Oh yeah, students. You've gotta put together a dance routine, too!"  
  
"Right then!" Ron repeated. Well, not reapeated, because its not really what he said but who gives a flying fig???!!! He stood up straight and tall. Here is a little graph-like thing to show you how the dance went with the words.  
  
"The SHOE" - grab foot  
  
"Said 'poo!'"- turn around, stick butt out to audience and point finger up butthole  
  
"As he sat on a log" flop down on belly and roll around like a log  
  
"Drifting on top of the sea" makes hula girl motions like waves  
  
"a GOLDFISH popped up" makes swimming and blubbing motions and then leaps forward pathetically  
  
"and said memememe!" jump up and down in circles to cover up that he had no ideawhat to do there  
  
"give me some BAN-AN-UHHH teeeeeeeeeeeeeeea!!!" curves body into bananaa shape and pretends to sip tea. It was hiliarious. Ron made a complete and total fool of himself. Next was Snape though! Ron bubbled with exciting ideas. He decided on one normal, angelic word. Inocent! Snape had only one option for the song he was destined to sing and dance too! Snape looked pleadingly at Dumbledore.  
  
"Must teachers participate in this... thing?" Dumbledore gave him a wry smile.  
  
"Certainly, Severus!" Snape was doomed. Ron called out the words.  
  
"RUBBER! DUCKY! BATHTIME!" Snape turned pale. He groaned. Snape doesnt need a graph for his dance, actually. I'll just tell you the dance, and He does it over and over again for each verse. Read directions, first though. Directions: For maximum laughability, read the dance, and picture Snape doing it over and over again until you've got it in your head. Then sing the song out loud to your self and imagine Snape dancing and singing that song!!! Dance- First, Snape squatted down and flapped his arms like duck wings for the begginging of the verse. Then he jumped up and pirrouted(sp?) around on his tiptoes. Then he did a sexy Britney spears move by bending back his neck and shimmying/shaking his chest and walking back and forth while doing so. The next move was a disco thang... straigtening his arm, Snape pointed his pointer finger (creative name, huh?) and pointed it to an upright angle, then brought it back down to his crotch and repeated with the other hand, alternating for 10 seconds. Then for the next verse he started the whole thing over. Song- (LOL! Just imagine Snape doing this!)  
  
"Rubber Duckie, you're the one,  
  
You make bathtime lots of fun,  
  
Rubber Duckie, I'm awfully fond of you;  
  
(woh woh, bee doh!) Rubber Duckie, joy of joys,  
  
When I squeeze you, you make noise!  
  
Rubber Duckie, you're my very best friend, it's true!  
  
(doo doo doo doooo, doo doo) Every day when I  
  
Make my way to the tubby  
  
I find a little fella who's  
  
Cute and yellow and chubby  
  
(rub-a-dub-a-dubby!) Rubber Duckie, you're so fine  
  
And I'm lucky that you're mine  
  
Rubber duckie, I'm awfully fond of you. Every day when I  
  
Make my way to the tubby  
  
I find a little fella who's  
  
Cute and yellow and chubby  
  
(rub-a-dub-a-dubby!) Rubber Duckie, you're so fine  
  
And I'm lucky that you're mine  
  
Rubber duckie, I'm awfully fond of -  
  
Rubber duckie, I'd like a whole pond of -  
  
Rubber duckie I'm awfully fond of you!  
  
(doo doo, be doo.)"  
  
Okay, now that was possibly the most disturbibg thing anyone there had ever witnessed. When Hermione asked Snape where he had gotten that sexy Britney move, he blushed.  
  
"Uh... out of my favorite music video. Now SCRAM!"  
  
Ok... Snape got to choose Dumbledore's three words. He giggled (Ok, now THAT is disturbing also) with glee. Just like a chipmunk, not that you care. Nobody cares about rodents. He cleared his throat.  
  
"Somwhere... over... and... RAINBOW!" Dumbledore cackled softley. He rose, and pulled out his wand. He waved it gently, and a burst of magic produced a pink tutu with matching satin ballet slippers just the perfect fit for the old man. He waved the wand again, and for the moment a star apeared on the tip with streaming pink ribbons. His dance routine was a ballet, with spinning jumps, priouettes (sp), curtsies, and many more tricks. He did so while singing this song: Directions: For maximum laughability picture dumbledore doing the above dance steps while singing the below song!!! "Somewhere, over the rainbow, way up high,  
  
There's a land that I heard of once in a lullaby.  
  
Somewhere, over the rainbow, skies are blue,  
  
And the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true.  
  
Someday I'll wish upon a star  
  
And wake up where the clouds are far behind me,  
  
Where troubles melt like lemon drops.  
  
Away above the chimney tops  
  
That's where you'll find me.  
  
Somewhere over the rainbow, bluebirds fly,  
  
Birds fly over the rainbow,  
  
Why then, oh why can't I?  
  
If happy little bluebirds fly  
  
Beyond the rainbow,  
  
Why oh why can't I?" Seeing and old man's bare skin in pink satin and velvet was very-- yes, also disturbing. This seemed like a convention for disturbance. Coninceidentaly, Dumbledore and several teachers were seated together, so Dumbledore chose the words for McGonagall. He was not at all afraid to choose somewhat inapropiant ones. "Yes... Minerva" He said. "Your doom is... BRA! D-CUP! BREAST! TINY! LONG!" McGonagall looked puzzled.  
  
"But sir... that's 5!"  
  
"Ahh... but I am the headmaster. What I say goes Then, what came next was soooo inappropriate that we cannot say, although we did have an idea of words. Just not G-Rated. 


End file.
